Stalled
I'm shoulder deep in Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love". Nearing the end and engrossed in the journey because she has a way of sitting you right next to her. As she lies on the bathroom floor in New York calling out to God, you sit next to her silently commiserating. When she sits across from a studious and attentive young Italian man and fantasizes about him kissing her, you are sitting with her fantasizing that as he kisses her, his lips will brush on over to yours. And while she sits in the dimness of the Indian Ashram letting the waves of blue light rock through her, you sit there, too, feeling the glow, but with none of the aches and pains of having held that position for hours upon hours. And when she lies on the beach in Bali, with an older man brushing the sand off her nose and casually pushing a hair out of her face, you are there too, watching it happen. But when they go into the bedroom together...
Maybe this is me. Maybe I'm just in a mildly frustrated place where love is concerned. Because part of me is saying "Go Liz! You get that shit! Make it happen, let loose and be free!" And the other part of me is frankly pissed. And it is all to do with me, and nothing to do with her. Lately I've not had much luck in love. Well, say for the past few years, love has been eluding me. And single is fine, single is nice. Single helps you to become strong, independent, to grow spiritually, to learn how to be by yourself. But couple hood...that's nice, too. And if I found the right person I would dive back in. And there's the rub.
It's said so many times by so many people that I cringe as I type it, but "how does one meet that right person? And recognize him when he strolls in the door of your life?" I've tried clubs, I've had the occasional backstage romance (which has dangers akin to "shitting where you eat") and tried on-line dating. All have worked to a degree. But the ratio of failure to success is daunting and even the successes have not lasted more than a month or two.
On-line dating is feeling particularly frustrating of late. I met someone who seemed sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, spiritual, had an open faced smile...we wrote each other and he was very articulate, smart, a good debater, flirty...we made a date for coffee and then, nothing. This is the third time something similar to this has happened to me and it leaves me wondering why. What did I do wrong, or what about me was unacceptable enough for them to reconsider? It also makes me question the thought of ever getting my hopes up again because the comedown is so...unpleasant.
And then there's grindr. If you're unfamiliar with it, this is an Iphone app that shows pictures of gay men in your area. It let's you know exactly how close they are and allows you to text them for hook-ups or chatting. Mostly hook-ups. And not only am I one of those who does not do random hook-ups, but it's awfully hard to get interested enough in a picture to make the effort to say "hi". Or to keep up a conversation with someone once it's been initiated with me. Plus, after about five minutes on the site I feel like I need to take a metaphysical shower.
What I want is to meet someone as friends. To hang out with them, laugh with them, have casual lunches, movies, mini-golf, and then when I'm comfortable, if it's right, make that transition with someone that I have a bond with, someone who makes me feel safe and that makes me want to wrap them in my arms. But that kind of connection takes time and an unexpectant heart. It can happen, so I'm keeping the faith, and practicing the cultivation of happiness. But in the meantime, at this moment, I am sitting in the living room of Felipe the Brazilian, nervously looking for a magazine as my good friend Liz closes the bedroom door and lies down with Felipe, getting tangled in all that mosquito net. Get it Liz.
Maybe this is me. Maybe I'm just in a mildly frustrated place where love is concerned. Because part of me is saying "Go Liz! You get that shit! Make it happen, let loose and be free!" And the other part of me is frankly pissed. And it is all to do with me, and nothing to do with her. Lately I've not had much luck in love. Well, say for the past few years, love has been eluding me. And single is fine, single is nice. Single helps you to become strong, independent, to grow spiritually, to learn how to be by yourself. But couple hood...that's nice, too. And if I found the right person I would dive back in. And there's the rub.
It's said so many times by so many people that I cringe as I type it, but "how does one meet that right person? And recognize him when he strolls in the door of your life?" I've tried clubs, I've had the occasional backstage romance (which has dangers akin to "shitting where you eat") and tried on-line dating. All have worked to a degree. But the ratio of failure to success is daunting and even the successes have not lasted more than a month or two.
On-line dating is feeling particularly frustrating of late. I met someone who seemed sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, spiritual, had an open faced smile...we wrote each other and he was very articulate, smart, a good debater, flirty...we made a date for coffee and then, nothing. This is the third time something similar to this has happened to me and it leaves me wondering why. What did I do wrong, or what about me was unacceptable enough for them to reconsider? It also makes me question the thought of ever getting my hopes up again because the comedown is so...unpleasant.
And then there's grindr. If you're unfamiliar with it, this is an Iphone app that shows pictures of gay men in your area. It let's you know exactly how close they are and allows you to text them for hook-ups or chatting. Mostly hook-ups. And not only am I one of those who does not do random hook-ups, but it's awfully hard to get interested enough in a picture to make the effort to say "hi". Or to keep up a conversation with someone once it's been initiated with me. Plus, after about five minutes on the site I feel like I need to take a metaphysical shower.
What I want is to meet someone as friends. To hang out with them, laugh with them, have casual lunches, movies, mini-golf, and then when I'm comfortable, if it's right, make that transition with someone that I have a bond with, someone who makes me feel safe and that makes me want to wrap them in my arms. But that kind of connection takes time and an unexpectant heart. It can happen, so I'm keeping the faith, and practicing the cultivation of happiness. But in the meantime, at this moment, I am sitting in the living room of Felipe the Brazilian, nervously looking for a magazine as my good friend Liz closes the bedroom door and lies down with Felipe, getting tangled in all that mosquito net. Get it Liz.